Being in a relationship not a piece of cake , everyone knows that – no matter how good it is. One of the things that can certainly strain even a healthy relationship is if your partner feels like you are no longer supporting him, but are instead in competition with him. That may sound strange, but it’s often something that is happening within a relationship and neither partner even knows it.
I learned about this problem by reading Rori Raye’s marriage advice for women because my husband started kind of … shutting down … around me. Rori Raye says this problem can arise in relationships between people who are both ambitious and competitive. By the time you notice it, it may have already driven a wedge between you and him. Rori Raye describes this “male energy” as that aggressive approach that us women use to achieve great things. In today’s world – women DO need to be hard-hitting and authoritative to get what we need often times – but – in a relationship, that can mean bad news. As useful as this energy can be, it can completely wreck your relationship. You can avoid this happening, though, if you wise up to the warning signs in his and your OWN behavior.
Rori Raye says that when he starts to pull away from you, avoiding activities that involve competition, you know that you have a problem. Have you ever interrupted him when he was telling a story or something and told your own, and then he did not continue his? Or perhaps he gets crabby and snappy when you do something like playfully challenge him to a physical competition; like you tell him (even if you don’t really think so) you could “take him down”? When he begins to back out of or become irritable about activities like this, that you once enjoyed together, you need to pay attention to the situation.
It doesn’t take much to step on his toes, really. Interrupting his stories with anecdotes of your own makes him feel as though you are putting yourself before him, and publicly dominating him. Making jokes at his expense can have the same effect. Even if you are completely kidding. There is a fine line between joking and hurting. You have to understand the role that you play in his life before you can really understand why these things are destroying your relationship. He needs to feel like you love him, respect him, and accept him.
When you stop giving him the love, respect, and acceptance he needs, it begins to chip away at his confidence in the relationship. That doubt can be poisonous. If he is unable to trust you with his feelings, even if he does not KNOW it - he won’t trust you with his heart.
So take this as a sage piece of relationship advice - the first step to mending any relationship is to first identify the problem. After that – implementing the solution is generally the easy part. Understanding why you felt a need to compete with him means admitting that you are seeking affirmation through praise, and not necessarily from him. If you were 100% secure, you would be offering support and praise to him instead of seeking it for yourself.
This one little piece of marriage advice for women has saved me so much grief! By turning the situation around and asking yourself how you would feel if he left you in the dust every time you went for a friendly jog, or if he pouted every time you beat him at a game- you will be able to understand the toll that your actions are taking on him.
By being sensitive to competitive situations and diffusing them through compassion, and celebrating his victories both in public and in private, you can find that happy middle ground. By giving him the spotlight rather than stealing it away from him, and leaving the “boy energy” out of your relationship, you will feel like you are in a partnership again, rather than a contest.